42

Photo by Shemar

One of the benefits, to me, of being a July baby is that every year I have the opportunity to reflect and take inventory on what I've done so far in the year. If I find I've been lazy in an area, if something hasn't met my standards, gone my way, or even if there's been some successes, I can adjust, reset or even celebrate. This year, this moment?? I don't really know what's what. I feel:

Exhausted.

Heavy.

Lonely.

Unappreciated. 

Taken for granted. 

Anxious.

Last.

Determined. 

Irritable. 

Restless. 

More fragile than I've ever felt or care to admit.

Uhhhh… I'm sure there's more, they're just not coming to me right now. I mean, ain't that enough? Some of these feelings I've felt consistently for years, some are pretty new. Some I feel more than others.

I'm not ok. That’s hard to admit to myself and to the world.

Everyone has difficult seasons. I'm no better than anyone. I don't even pray for it to go away. I deal with it. Hell, I even lean into it, but it's hard right now. I don't sleep like I should. I don't grieve. I consistently stay on the verge of tears. I overthink. I obsess. I've even considered having a drink (That would come as a shock to my family lol. It would be my 1st ever). I'm used to holding things together, being everything to everyone that means something to me. I love that I am and that I can be (and will continue to be), but a lot of times I want to be seen too, really seen. Thru the strength or confidence I may give off, I want someone to see that I'm broken, see that I'm fragile and tell me 'Everything's going to be ok'. 'YOU are going to be ok.' At the very least, sincerely ask how I'm doing. Not in a generic way, but really ask. 

I really don't blame anyone. I promise you I don't. We're all going thru something. Some more than others. Most are probably trying to pick up their own pieces and heal in some way. 

Believe it or not, I'm thankful. I made it to 42. Regardless of what I'm dealing with, I'm here. As crazy as it sounds, I'm grateful that, good or bad, I still 'feel'. I'm not numb to the stress, hurt, frustration, anxiety or pain. It's a reminder I'm still here, I'm still in the fight, my glass isn't empty, my flame hasn't gone out. 

I have no idea how the rest of the year will play out. My hope will be that I find the strength and balance to take care of me while still taking care of those who need me. I do pray for peace in my heart and mind. I pray that people extend more grace and kindness to each other. This world is ugly enough. I don't want to add to its ugliness or be associated with anything or anyone that does. 

Be kind to someone...sometimes you have no idea what battles people are fighting.

Happy 42nd Birthday to me...

Thank you so much for reading...