Tavona
"I didn't lose my identity, but I'm rebirthing my most authentic and unapologetic self."
".......we're gravely concerned, get here as soon as possible." The morning is February 22, 2014. I've just been called by my husband's doctor with news that my husband had taken a turn for the worse. He was on a ventilator and no longer breathing on his own. How did we get here? He was fine a week ago. I couldn't go in there. I couldn't see my love that way. I couldn't say goodbye. I was told by a nurse, "If you hear 'CODE BLUE' it will most likely be your husband." I sat in the hospital chapel, hysterical, with my fingers plugging my ears. Waiting for the inevitable…
After my husband was taken from me, I went through a multitude of emotions: Devastation, shock, numb, hollow, and overwhelming disbelief. So much so, that for probably the first 6 months I honestly believed he would come home. I kept his clothes out. His wallet and watch were still in their normal spot. Some of his food items were deliberately left in the refrigerator and even his dirty dishes sat in the sink. I swear there were even times, while out and about, that I saw him in the flesh. Eventually, reality hit me like a ton of bricks; my husband is gone and he isn't coming back. I felt so let down. Isolated. What did I ever do to deserve this punishment? I felt like the universe was targeting me.
Learning a new normal was tough, but eventually my mindset changed. It had to. I still had two little boys that depended on me. Being a single parent is fucking hard; and that's the nice way to say it. It's extremely difficult knowing what it was like to have a husband who was also an equal parent. Now, all the discipline, encouraging, cheerleading, trip planning and storytelling fell on me. It also saddened me knowing that I didn't have him to talk to. Especially after a hard day. However, being alone and experiencing this trauma made me realize how strong I am. I've found my purpose in telling my story and sharing my experiences as a widow. Opening up and allowing myself to be a safe place for women to share and heal. Yes, your husband has passed, you're different, transformed, but your evolution can still be beautiful. I love helping them apply things to their life that I've learned and remind them that they're never alone.
My lens is so different now. I understand how precious life is. I take nothing for granted. I've shaped how I live around my core values: Beauty, Excellence, Health, Freedom and Self Trust.
Beauty - I find beauty and peace in things that look beautiful. I never knew how beautiful and calming the ocean and nature could be.
Excellence - It doesn't mean that I was 'perfect', but at the end of everyday, I show up and fight with everything in me.
Health - It's important to me to stay active. Whether it's a road trip with the kids or an early evening walk with the dog.
Freedom - I have complete say so on how I choose to live, what I choose to say or not say, who I allow into my life.
Self Trust - This was originally hard for me, but now I trust and rely on my intuition on what's best for my life with no outside influences.
When I feel I'm too overwhelmed, over consuming or short with the kids I know I'm out of alignment with my core values and something needs to shift. I have no problem picking up and heading out on a quick road trip to the ocean to readjust!
After years without my husband, I've been asked if I'm happy. You know, it's honestly hard to answer that. What I've learned to do is consistently chase moments of joy. When I find them, I savor it.
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